7 Habits of Highly Effective People Habit of the Week

Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Habit 5 is the habit of mutual understanding. It is a gentle habit that admonishes us to listen. But we all listen, don’t we? Listening with the intent to understand means listening with your eyes, ears, and heart.

Listening with the intent to understand, not to be understood. There is a Native American proverb that says, “Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf.”

This is a hard habit to internalize because most of us listen with the intent to reply, advise, or interject our own autobiography into what somebody else is saying. Picture an eye doctor handing you glasses without diagnosing what your eyes actually need. “What? They don’t work? Try harder! These look good on you. Don’t be so choosy!”

To communicate effectively, we must first understand each other. This means listening empathetically and not trying to solve a problem without first sincerely understanding what that problem might be.

It is best to stop talking and listen empathetically when there is high emotion, when you just don’t understand, or when you sense the other person does not feel understood. Getting to the heart of the issue is most important. We must slow down and watch. Be ready to listen empathetically. Only then can you go forward and seek mutual understanding and be asked to give counsel or advice.

Successful listeners have greater influence with others, clarity on real issues, and engage in faster problem-solving. They don’t ask questions from their own frame of reference or try to explain the behavior of others from the perspective of their own experience. We can’t advise, probe, interpret, or evaluate from our own experiences. We can’t prescribe solutions until we completely understand what another person is saying. We must understand before we can help.

Only 7 percent of what we communicate uses words. The rest is facial expressions, body language, and the tone of our voice. An empathetic listener watches, waits, and listens!